Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (The Dr. Sue Johnson Collection, 1)

Required Reading For Every Human Romantic Couple On Planet Earth
Dr. Sue Johnson is the master. The most important and significant psychologist since perhaps Carl Jung, and perhaps the greatest relationship psychologist of all time. The success rate in her clinic, where she works with the worst of the worst when it comes to couples (an ex-Marine with PTSD who was beaten by his dad and a woman who was sexually molested her whole childhood by an uncle), only shows what she can do for average couples who have problems that aren’t as severe. However, the problem is that you cannot read this book in 3 days like some John Gray (he is not a doctor) pop psychology book. This is book involving a deep amount of research and clinical studies, but it is still written for the layperson. In essence, there are no easy answers.The other issue is Dr. Sue’s work flies in the face of 30+ years of psychology therapy which taught couples that they must be 100% happy, have all their ducks lined up in a row, and basically be perfect until they can have a great relationship. Bull. According to Dr. Sue, a deep romantic relationship with a partner is base in part of healing childhood wounds and other traumas. A romantic relationship most closely resembles the bond that exists between a mother and baby. It is not the SAME relationship (of course!). But in terms of the emotional intensity and closeness it is.She has been on a crusade to eradicate co-dependency from psychological language. People NEED each other. They are interdependent, social creatures. Her books provide countless examples of people and other animals who thrive and are better thru having these “hold me tight” relationships. The comfort they bring leads to people thriving in life. It leads to more risk taking. It leads to better health. She has done countless MRI brain studies to show that when you are “fighting” with your partner, your brain looks EXACTLY like a lion is chasing you. The new part of brain has not evolved fast enough to deal with such fighting without the conversational techniques that she writes about and teaches. The bond between you and your partner is that INTENSE and that critical. The way you communicate with each other has to be so delicate.When a person is experiencing fear, pain, and all sorts of negative things, and an MRI is taken of their brain, Dr. Sue has shown that when the hurting person feels the touch of their partner’s hand, it completely changes their brain and how it looks. It provides that level of comfort.And you want to tell me that people need to be 100% happy in order to have a healthy relationship? Yes individual therapy is useful in that it can allow you to understand where your thoughts, feelings and emotions are coming from, and how your partner can help you heal with it detracting from their own growth. But as U2 once said in a song, “Sometimes You Just Can’t Make It On Your Own.”Anyone in an online dating profile who says they are 100% happy and is just looking for a partner to add to their happiness……well…..Dr. Sue would say stay single. Because relationships ARE HARD. They are not easy, and they are supposed to be that way. But the rewards far outgain the negatives. But she also says there are just too many people are coming in her clinic, and too many people coming into other psychologist’s offices, to suggest that any relationship can just add to the 100% happiness that you already have. People are going into therapy because they crave that innate bond that is no important to survival and health of our species.This is too hard to explain. I suggest reading both of her books Hold Me Tight and Love Sense. And yes, she claims love can be explained by science.

A good read
This is an amazing book to read whether you are having issues with friendships, family or relationship. I recommend reading, even if you’re not in a relationship or have any issues because The context of this book will allow great self reflection and have an open mind with anything in life. Emotions are powerful and nothing to be ashamed of.

The book is really excellent. But listening to it on the CD, was not such a great experience. Very poorly edited, feels like it is read by a computer. I am looking forwards to read it.

A really good book for anyone in a relationship or working with relationships who’s interested in how relationships can work better, it’s equally good for self-help or for a helper. This book takes a very different approach from (e.g.) ‘Fighting for your Marriage’ (Howard Markman) or John Gottman’s books. It’s based on attachment theory which Johnson explains simply and clearly in just a few pages. Her approach is to define the self-perpetuating ‘Demon Dialogues’ partners get locked into, and to help the partners firstly to recognise that it’s the ‘demon dialogue’ that’s the enemy in the relationship rather than their partner, and secondly how to work together to stop the Demon Dialogue and to build constructive dialogues instead. An easy read, human and humane, very highly recommended.