How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (The How To Talk Series)

One of 5 Books that Changed My LIfe
First time I read this book, my eyes started to sweat as the examples of how not to talk to kids leapt from the page into my heart’s throat with memories of the past. There is not a parent alive who hasn’t made mistakes, who wishes that they had made different choices, who wants to take back the hurt they caused their little ones. This book aligned with my priorities as a parent, to help my children become the best decision makers that they can possibly be, to be free thinkers. There are tons of tips and tools in this book that help parents and children listen, feel important, open up and encourage independence. One great tip was not riddling your kids with questions but eliciting conversation with responses that allow children, teenagers and young adults to share more without feeling like they are on a quiz show. It’s amazing to me how much my boys tell me if I just give them the chance to talk to an attentive father. FYI to all you husbands out there… these conversation tools work on wives and co-workers too. Another fact that really hit home for me that I’m able to put into everyday practice is, a parent should punish with “natural consequences” that fit the “crime”. I remember as a kid getting spanked for doing something wrong… don’t even remember what the infractions were… it may have been, not putting something away or lying. In any case, getting swatted for infractions is not what happens in real life. Physical punishment just creates animosity and the desire for revenge. What happens in the real world is, if you don’t take care of your friend’s belongings… they stop loaning them to you. If you lie, people stop believing you. Children should suffer similar consequences for their own infarctions within a family unit. These types of life lessons when taught to children can shape character… these lessons can reshape yours.

Excellent until final chapter, “The Next Generation”
Excellent book until one gets to the final chapter titled “The Next Generation” written by Adele Faber’s daughter. A more apt title for this chapter is “How to Negotiate with your Children… and Erase any Boundaries between Parents and their Children.”I took to heart everything Adele Faber suggested to talk with and listen to my child better. Her suggestions have worked and our child seems much happier, talkative and her confidence has gone up, as well as ours as parents. We are in a much better place as a family then where we were before we read this book.However, it will be a cold day in h*ll before I implement Faber’s daughter’s suggestions. There will not be a table manner compromise 3xs a week as a solution where we all elect to eat with our hands instead because our child doesn’t like using utensils. We will model how to use them; we will encourage her and we will let her know that our values as a family is that we have polite table manners whether we are at home eating at our own dinner table or elsewhere.Faber’s daughter’s description of agreeing to “wait in the car” and miss her mother-in-law’s funeral because her “tomboy” daughter refused to dress in appropriate attire for the formality of the event is also insane and a non-starter.I took particular offense at her use of the descriptor “tomboy” which like “sensitive” to describe a boy is outmoded, ignorant and offensive. Kids, like people, are who they are and like what they like and those interests are not defined or influenced by either gender.Our daughter is a girl who likes tie dyed t-shirts and leggings, but, when it’s time for her to attend formal events she chooses either a dress or a dressy pants suit, i.e., appropriate clothes. She gets a choice on type of outfit but not on the formality of it. By doing so, we are still sensitive to her feelings and giving her some autonomy, but she also understands that she’s the child and we are the parents; our family’s values and our boundaries. We are not and never will be coequals that take a vote as a family like we are the UN either on family vacations my husband and I pay for or how we decorate the common areas of our home whose mortgage we pay . Absurd.There’s nothing wrong with setting firm boundaries with our children, clear expectations and give limitless love, encouragement and Faber’s version of positive praise. More than anything, that’s what kids want and its our job to give that to them.I hope future editions omit “The Next Generation.” Truthfully, Faber’s suggestions were commonsense and tested over 30 years successfully and they don’t need any updating or input from “The Next Generation.”

It’s a great book!
Best parenting book out there!

Very informative! Opens your eyes and changes the way you talk and engage woth kids

It’s quite amazing how good this book can work. It is very easy explained and it has a lot of draws and examples. It’s also very realistic: It never sells magic solutions, nor says everything will work for everybody. So, it’s like being in a workshop with another parents, but in your home and in your own.